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Weasels, Guitar, Music Industry, Poop, and Pie?!?!

September 2, 2010

Yes! The Sensei makes a triumphant return from a long, stressful summer with his students. I am quite happy to be back, and feeling especially inspired to impart my universal knowledge to you. The topics suggested in the title today may seem abrupt and unrelated, but I assure you that weasels, guitars, the music industry, poop, and pie have more to do with each other than you think. As with everything else in the world…

Let us begin today by turning our attention to nature’s own tiny terror…the weasel. These small predators are indigenous to Europe, particularly England. The weasel plays a two-fold role in the food chain there. They eat mice and other small vermin, whilst being hunted by larger predators such as hawks or badgers. In order to avoid becoming food, weasels make their home in the base of trees or holes in the ground. This crafty and cunning creature utilizes the tree for protection, which is one of the various uses a tree has.

Trees are used by many woodland creatures for safety and protection. Humans use the tree for more than just protection. Paper, houses, boats, oxygen, shoooes, decks, carts, chairs, instruments, and guitars, are all constructed from trees. These connection seem to be some of the more obvious ones. If it weren’t for a man chasing a weasel into a tree, the guitar might not have ever been invented. Sure, some of you are saying it seems impossible that the common weasel inspired a man to build the first guitar, you are right. The man cut down the tree to get the weasel, and built a guitar in order to celebrate his experience. This song is known as Pop Goes the Weasel.

After writing said song (with guitar accompaniment), people wanted the man to perform at parties and other social gathers. So, the music industry was born. The man toured all of Europe telling his tale of man and weasel (and the invention of pop music). People came from far and wide to listen to his songs. Soon, people unable to attend his performances wanted copies of the music for their personal enjoyment. The music industry saw an opportunity to make some money, and album sales went through the roof. The touring wore on the man, but he was contractually obligated to make 17 more tours, and 22 more albums. His lesser known hits are, Bang Goes the Buckaroo, Pip Goes the Peacock, and Hop Goes the Rabbit…

Just as we all know….everybody poops…including the guitar playing, weasel popping, star of our story…

…and the ancient Egyptians who may have invented pie.

Let this be a lesson to all of you, everything is connected. Our lives are dependent upon the generations before, both animals and humans, vegetation and culinary, lavatory and otherwise. The decisions we make today will forever affect humanity.

-Sensei

Thanks to my students James, David, Nicole, Torri, and Joey for inspiring me to write this piece

Possibilities: Life’s Ticket to Infinite Confusion

May 21, 2010

As the semester has come to a quiet close, it is important to talk about what happens after graduation. For all of the graduates out there, congraduations. Welcome to the real world. You are free from the constraints of the American education system, but now you are apart of something much worse. Real Life. Prepare to be even more confused, conflicted, and constricted than ever before. That is neither here, nor there though. The real beauty awaits in the path of possibilities that now lies before you.

possibilities

The number of things that you are capable of achieving with your life is at its peak, and this is the most unsettling news you’ll hear. Life’s possibilities are nothing more than a facade of confusion. What should you do with your life? How are you supposed to just pick between managing a Taco Bell or becoming the CFO of an American giant. HUH?!? This seems an impossible task. yes. Behind each possible choice lies another possible choice…and another…and another…and another…etc…The confusion and constant barrage of choices can only continue with each new possibility. This is no way to live in your new found “freedom.”

This cycle continues on and on and on, until death do you part. You need to take life back from the infinite abyss of possibilities! So how can you make sense of all the possibilities within your own life? Easy. Do Nothing. Enjoy doing nothing. Take nothing, and give nothing! The only answer to possibilities is nothing. Nothing looks different for everyone. I prefer sitting and staring aimlessly, but you must be careful to refrain from dreaming of all the possibilities you’ve so cleverly avoided.

Go now, and confront this storm of impassable possibilities with your armory of nothing.

-sensei

Failure is ALWAYS an Option

May 12, 2010

I’m sure you’ve heard it said that failure is not an option. False. Failure is most definitely always an option. Where did this crazy notion against failure start? My guess…conspiracy. The government is trying to keep you from failing, which is keeping you from the fruitfulness you are capable of attaining. Perhaps the most useful tool mankind has, failure is for you. Better than our intellect, strength, endurance, and sharp wit. Failure is the KEY to mankinds resilience. Without persistent failure, how could we show the universe our worth? It would be impossible!

Success…

Failure…

Both of these 7 letter words add up to 14 letters. They often have more to do with each other than at first glance. Most people ask themselves. “How did I fail to achieve success?” The real question is “How did you succeed in achieving failure?”  Failure is the missing piece! Some people just have no idea how to fail, that is what this post is for. I want you to want to fail. I have had success at many things in life, but nothing brings me more joy than simple failure. Here is a small list of ways you can fail and reap the bountiful benefit:

Failure to cook a delicious dinner, so you have to eat P.F. Changs.

Failure to mow the lawn, so a stranger from the city does it for you.

Failure to park in an authorized zone, so someone else moves your car for you.

Failure to charge your phone last night, so no one will bother you today.

Failure to study for a test, so you get to take it again next semester.

Next time life throws you to the ground, stay down there and find that lost contact you’ve been missing. Say it with me, “Failure is my friend”

-sensei

Snuggie Reform in Oklahoma Puppy Mills

April 15, 2010

I have recently become aware of some legislature that is attempting to pass in Oklahoma. It is called the “Black Market Breeders’ Bill.”  Menacing I know. The underground puppy population in Oklahoma is staggering. Oklahoma is the second highest producer of puppies in the US, and THERE ISN’T ANY LEGISLATION ABOUT IT!?!?!?! Puppy Mills in Oklahoma are getting completely out of control. So the big question I have is, “What are we going to do about it?” Honestly, I think the answer is simple.

Puppy Snuggies

Imagine if every poor, cold, lonely, helpless, sheltered, cramped puppy in the state could receive his or her own snuggie. This would completely change everything. It is practically the same as giving some African child a pair of Toms. This would revolutionize the puppy mill industry, all the while satisfying those pesky animal rights activists. It doesn’t matter how cramped the living quarters become because in a snuggie (which is comfort at its best) everything is ok and magical. Let’s be honest with each other, snuggies make everything better.  I personally never take mine off!

I think this is really the first step to reform. Give the puppies something to live for! I mean it is the American way. We give uneeded “things” to appear as if we care about the standard of living, without attempting to change the actual situation. So I say puppy snuggies for all. Who knows. Maybe it would be something that could really take off and be implemented in the criminal justice system. Every single inmate with his or her own snuggie…I smell the future…and it smells comfortable.

-sensei

(if you want to find out more info about the Black Market Breeders’ Bill visit http://www.okpuppymilltruth.org/)

Troubled Waters…

April 13, 2010

A growing concern of mine is the population of Echizen Jellyfish in the Sea of Japan. This particular jellyfish is generally refered to as the giant jellyfish. The giant jellyfish can grow up to 660lbs and reach a diameter of over 6ft. The recent growth of the population just off the western coast of Japan has become a big problem for local fishermen. Nets are breaking, boats are sinking, and fishermen are failing to bring in their catch. This poses a huge problem for the people of Japan. The people of Japan need to eat, and fish is a primary source of food for the islanders. If the economy of Japan begins to faulter everything we know will do the same.

You might ask, “How does Japan’s fishing economy affect my American lifestyle?’

Japan is the foundation upon which the great instituiton (the US) was built. Who will mass produce all of our electronic goods? Who will create animated television content for children and adults? What culture will young adults with seemingly no social life be obsessed with? Japan has given the US so many things to be thankful for. From falling in love with Anime body pillows to dressing up as your favorite preteen cartoon character for fun, Japan is behind it all. NOT TO MENTION, amazing martial arts cinema. We rely on Japan in a major way to live our daily lives. So what can be done? We must rise to the occasion and face the challenge that the giant jellyfish pose to us. We will not stand for this atrocity! How do we do it? Simple

Nuke the ocean.

-Sensei

Better Late…

January 23, 2010

than never?

Agree to disagree.

Firstly, Let me address the issue of time as in my previous two postings. Time is dead. It is official, due to the death of Time I have been unable to find enough of it to make a proper posting. So apologies all around…

The last few weeks have been rather busy with whos-ee-doos and what-nots. It has been impossible for me to find anything for myself or for someone else (you) for that matter. Just for the record, night work is not for human beings…we like the sunshine far too much.

SECondly, we must address the issue of you unlearned ones in need of a proper lesson. Tardiness. Yes, tardiness is an important tool to the student. Tardiness creates mystery to peers and possibly even to one’s sensei. While creating mystery to others, tardiness can instill a false sense of power to tardy. This is the obvious downfall of tardiness. People all say, “where has HE been?” “who has he BEEN with” “what has he been UP TO?” These questions eat at the minds of peers when a tardy fellow enters the room. This can be used as a sort of scare tactic to…scare that bully into niceties…scare a certain someone into a date…or scare that weird, dirty kid who always asks to use your things. After all, you can’t spell scare without care. Mystery can easily turn to fear, which can easily turn into power, which can easily turn into you quitting your day job only to live off of the tributes you receive from classmates.

Use your new found power wisely young grasshoppers. ALTHOUGH, the sensei must warn you about dangers. The teacher may not appreciate the power of mystery as much as your peers. The teacher might only think one thing when they see you…the powerful, tardy student “Fail

-Sensei

DIY: Killing Time (part two)

December 10, 2009

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in part one. Time may not be as “Evil” as she sounds. I will say despite the moral orientation of Mistress Time, her destruction is quite imminent. I’ve already discussed the reasons behind Time’s need to kept in check, so let us now turn towards methodology. HOW do you kill time?

Throughout the ages, civilization has developed an arsenal of weapons to defeat time. Enough paths of destruction exist for every man to pick his own. As you know, some men prefer the quickness of a knife, or the BANG of the gun. While other men lean towards the mess of an ax etc…there is no right or wrong “method,” but only the intention of the man himself

MY weapon of choice is the internet. From the moment I log onto YouTube, until the moment I log out of Facebook: Time cowards in the corner. Afraid of nothing more than being wasted. Time is also adversely spent watching any sort of devil box. Whether you prefer that to be the television set or a movie theater screen. The weapon may change, but the outcome remains. In recent years, video games have taken the place that things like books once held. A combination of BLACK MAGIC, sugarsticks, and nasty snack meat culminate in the invention of video games. Interactive armored suits, built to tear down Time. Hours upon hours are held captive by the youth, deteriorating time and some physical features such as sight. Another interesting path to take is that of aimless traveling. Get in your car, drive. Driving around a city aimlessly for hours effectively kills Time and Resources (second cousin to Time).

Now that you know how to kill Time, what will you do with your new found freedom? Next…

-Sensei